I would say that I'm sorry for not writing on this blog for five months, but that would be a lie. These five months have taken me through a refining fire that I've never experienced before. Sometimes, I'm finding out, we go through seasons where we're not really fit to share our feelings with just anybody because all that's going to come out is a bunch of confusing, vague symbolism, mostly because sharing the truth might offend somebody or other or make things worse than they already are.
Now, vagueness aside, Jesus has taught me more in the last five months than I'm pretty sure I've ever learned in five consecutive months of my life. And I'm starting to come into a new season, just as Michigan is- the season where all of the cold and wind and rain has not only finally brought forth flowers and leaves on the trees, but where the fruit is beginning burst forth, too.
Onto business.
Jesus has been teaching me a hard lesson, so I thought I'd share it with anyone who might happen upon this blog in case He's been teaching you that lesson, too.
We're going to start with our very own character. I'm going to name her Prudence. Now, tell me you can't relate to this scenario:
Your best friend/cousin/mother/sister/whoever calls. You catch up for awhile, and then get to the phase in the conversation where there's nothing left to talk about but other people. Your friend/cousin/mother/sister/whoever plows right into this conversation phase with ease and agility.
"Have you heard about Prudence's new boyfriend? She met him on eHarmony," she chuckles a pity chuckle and continues. "Sounds like she's heading down to Chicago to meet him. With the kinds of guys she's dated, I wouldn't be surprised if he's a taxi driver or something."
Freeze.
Here is where I, if I were you, would normally have jumped right into the conversation with just as much ease and agility as your friend/cousin/mother/sister/whoever. But Jesus has been working on me. A lot.
Why is it that we think we know what decisions everyone else should make? It's so easy to pick apart other people's choices and think we know what would be better for their lives. Even though it's absolutely none of my business what Prudence decides to do with her life, I still feel that eHarmony was a poor choice and that she's throwing her love life down the drain because she's doing something that I wouldn't do.
Who cares what I think?!
Prudence didn't ask me. In fact, Prudence has no idea that I'm talking about her behind her back and would probably be very hurt if she found out that I laugh at her when she's not around and turn the delicate matters of her heart into a joke that I throw around when there's "nothing left to talk about."
What if people did that to me? "Have you heard that Lauren decided not to go to college? I'm pretty sure she's never been on a date, either. She's so weird sometimes. She probably has no social life with anybody besides the people in those nursing homes where she plays the piano!"
I'm a pretty tough cookie, but I still wouldn't appreciate people having those sorts of conversations about me. So why do I think it's okay to do that to everyone else? I'm almost positive that Jesus never did that.
I can see it now. After a long day of walking across some desert somewhere, the disciples hit the hay around their campfire and conk out fast. Only John and Jesus are still awake. Jesus, leaning back on some sycamore trunk, says, "You know, John, I've been thinking about Thomas lately. I'm pretty sure he's one of those doubters. Don't tell him I told you this, but sometimes I wonder if he was a good pick when I asked you guys to come follow me."
Yeah, right.
I can honestly say that I'm ashamed of the way I've treated so many of the people who I am called to simply love. I'm sorry for talking behind their backs, for thinking ill of their choices, for laughing at their life paths. I'm sorry for saying bad things about them just so I would feel better about myself, and I'm sorry for not seeing them as the precious children of God that they are. I don't know about you, but I'm ready for all backstabbing and criticizing to be over and done with. By the enabling grace of God, I know it's possible. If there's one thing I've learned about changing the way I think, it's that He's always willing if I'm willing.