Matters of the Heart

I had been babysitting all evening, hoping that watching Dora the Explorer and playing matching games would take my mind off of the mysterious subject that had been ailing me, but to no avail. My heart was unusually heavy, and had been for weeks. Telling the adorable three-year-old good-night, I had snuck off to the basement, where I've spent many a precious hour alone with Jesus and a beautiful shiny black upright.

Now something was very wrong with me, and the sweetness of those hours was nowhere to be found. A million thoughts went through my head, and it felt like a cloud separated my heart from His.

Suddenly, I heard tiny footsteps on the carpeted stairs. A figure appeared, smiling and not speaking a word.

"You're supposed to be in bed!" I tried to scold her, but I usually don't have much luck with that because she's just so darn cute.

"I don't want to go to bed," came the expected reply. She happily joined me as I continued to play.

After a few minutes, she cried, "I can't reach my blocks!" and I stopped playing for a moment in order to assist her with this difficult endeavor.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!" she chanted as she began building.

"Lauren," He whispered, "that's all I want. I want you to want to be with Me. I want you to ask Me for help. I want you to depend on Me and not think anything of it, because that's the way it's supposed to be. I want you to come to Me as a child would, full of sincere hope and wholehearted praise, not a regimented formula that you think will win you a chance at feeling My presence." 

I glanced behind me at this precious little girl who He has used to teach me so many lessons. Smiling, she played with her blocks, content in the fact that she depended upon me for everything. I hoped that she didn't notice the tears that had begun to stream down my cheeks as I continued to play. Just moments later, I heard her voice again.

"I can't reach my puzzles!"

After that:

"I can't find the letter 'K!'"

As I helped her, He spoke again, poignantly addressing the issue that He understood even when I didn't.

Depend on Me. 

He knows so intimately the cause of anything that may be weighing heavily on your heart at this very moment. For me it had a been an unwillingness to rest in Jesus, but you need to let Him overwhelm you with His love, for it is at His feet that you will find the truest joy, the sweetest peace, and the most passionate love that you could ever long for. When it comes to living the life He has called us to, dependence is the first step to independence.